It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged in long form. My apologies. Life has been much the same, except worse in many areas, whilst surprisingly better in some. I’m not sure if I’ve said this before, but I’ve made one short story sale, and I’ll have deets on that in the coming months. I’ve also had three lovely rejections of another short story, but I just put a pitch in for that one at a different publication. So fingers crossed. And of course the novel is currently being reviewed by an agent. Tenterhooks!
I’m taking a break from my MMO of choice, just due to health and financial considerations. I found myself getting into protracted discussions on Twitter that just don't make sense to me right now, and I just don't have the energy for it.
My health continues to deteriorate, and my SSDI check won’t cover the things Medicare doesn’t, like certain types of necessary medications to treat some of my infections, or long term hospital stays, or dental, which is causing me significant oral health issues. Between the spinal stenosis, the badly decaying teeth, the cellulitis infections, the deep bone pain, and my dyscalculia, my cerebral palsy and oh yes, my mental illnesses (anxiety, PTSD) my body is trying its absolute hardest to kill me.
Basically my body is in agonizing pain all the time now and I can’t afford treatments to fight it on my own. So I need to conserve what energy units I have and fight what battles I can.
The pain is rendering me useless. Infections persist. Doctor prescribes medicine insurance won't cover. I’m more tired all the time. This is life now?
if all my health issues were financially covered? I could be working 80 hours a week in 3 months. But each new health emergency drains me badly, but it's either pay rent + bills, & or get enough groceries or skip some bills this month. Health care still extravagant luxury
I've become a large burden to my wife, who works 2 jobs and helps raise the boy, & to my aging mom, who can't be my caregiver. Everyone in my family has been wonderful, but the burden I am strains them, & sometimes I feel their resentment at my uselessness crawl on my skin.
Two years ago the shame of asking others for help burned me. Now I just feel sick, and tired. I try to carry on, but agonizing pain interrupts.
And of course, the physical ailments pile on with the mental illnesses, the depression. I’m sure most readers don’t want to read these negative, whiny thoughts, & I get exhausted reading sympathy replies, but I just can't functionally hide this ugly part of me. I'm not even asking for anything. Just getting these words out. Putting form to the hurts, the feelings.
Sorry. & now, a joke. Man 1: Ask me what the most important part of comedy is. Man 2 "OK, What's the most imp-" M1"TIMING!"