Status update

I am sooooo tired of pretending I am ok. Listen, here it is. The spinal stenosis is bad. The infection that put me in the hospital 3 times is back. I'm bleeding pretty much every day. I have ratchety hole filled teeth. Essential meds I need are running out and I don't know how to get more since my Doctor has decided he's no longer my Doctor. So that means the anxiety is up. Which means it's harder to do basic tasks. The depression—emotional dampening field is in full effect. Basically the only emotions I have access to now are dread, anger, and sadness. The writing, the art, all of it feels beyond my grasp right now.

"Hug your son,"
"Hang in there,"
"You have my prayers,"

There, I said the words for you, so please don't say them back to me. Hugging my son does NOTHING, except maybe increase my sense of dread that I am failing him in ways I can't even perceive, and consequently, increase my shame and self-hate at being a failed mom. And don't get me started on "Hang in there." What am I hanging with exactly? My hands? My neck? Everything hurts and I feel like I'm choking to death. Got it.

Look, I'm sorry. Well wishes allow people to express the fact that they empathize with me, and were I not so exhausted and tired of literally being so sick and tired I'd offer my sincere thanks, but right now all I can really do is withdraw and try my best to be polite without downright lying to anyone.