I am now in the eating peanut butter sandwiches and ramen phase of my career as a writer. The muses are back, but only for fanfiction. Ideas are percolating but ideas don't get new doctors to help fight recurring cellulitis infections, or help me solve the gap between my rent (rising) and my income (flat zero.) Not to mention surgical funding for other treatments Medicare just hates to cover ( even though they say they will,) and $ for meds.
In other me-news (???) I found myself involved in Twitter's #TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs hashtag recently, and at first my tweets were kind of "meh," but by the final few I was bawling my eyes out.
#TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs everyone's like "Stop being lazy and faking it." As if I'd choose this hell for fun.
#TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs holding your son who is asking you why are you crying, & hating yourself because you can't stop-or feel joy.
#TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs hating yourself because you can't feel joy for your family whom you love, & seeing their disappointment
#TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs not feeling anything but sad, angry, and self hating anymore because of chemicals in the brain.
#TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs being powerless to stop it from wrecking your marriage the resentment your spouse has because she needs you.
#TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs trying meds, therapy & hospitalization & seeing it all fail when insurance runs out & you can't afford it.
#TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs suicide is illegal but no one will help you endure the day after day hell of living-yet demand you not give up
#TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs living with it for 30+ years, people can't or won't help you & you have to "chin up." w/o begging for help
#TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs putting on a brave face, saying "I'm fine" when asked, staying awake at night in terror & crying in secret
#TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs knowing that if I kill myself someone will say, "Why didn't she say something, someone should have helped."
#TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs the absolute worst is getting up and TRYING for my son in the hopes he doesn't get depressed either.
#TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs trying to explain to a 4 year old boy why mommy is sad all the time, & the shame I feel for having to.
#TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs watching people trying to console you with words or gestures & feeling empty because no one votes for change.
#TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs not having the guts to tell people their hugs and words of consolation are like the goggles, they do nothing.
#TheWorstPartOfDepressionIs eating to feel better & people say "why are you so fat, loser?" & then you feel bad so you eat even more.